Vocab Wars Episode III:
The Last Crusade (working title)
[EPILOGUE]: Prince Charming’s Funeral
[Cue following text to fade in across a black screen]:
“Not long ago, in a suburban area pretty close by…”
[Cue Music: Let It Be, by Vitamin Strings Quartet]
Fade in from black:
Open with funeral of Prince Charming. Prince Charming lying on top of a pyre, surrounded by people. People and Chosen Ones mourning, Princesses crying, etc. Abraham Lincoln giving the eulogy:
Lincoln: One score and seven years ago, our beloved Prince Charming brought forth in this land, The Resistance, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all forms of academics are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great Word War, testing whether this Resistance, or any so conceived or dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of war, and we have come to dedicate a very small portion of that field as the final resting place to the great Prince Charming, who gave his life that this Resistance might live. It is altogether fitting that we do this.
But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate- we cannot consecrate- we cannot hallow this ground. The brave man, now dead, who struggled with his looks here, has consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. Acadamia will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget how good he looked here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which he has thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us- that from this beautiful dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which he gave his last full measure of devotion- that we here highly resolve that this dead man shall not have died in vain- that this Nation, under Education, shall have a new birth of freedom- and that a government of History, Literature, Math, and Science, shall not perish from Acadamia.
{-Speech to be finished by 1:50 seconds of the song}
[At 1:50 mark, begin to fade into the 1:50 mark of Let It Be, Beatles version]
At this point, set fire to Charming’s body, Michael Jackson concludes the funeral by singing the rest of Let It Be, w/ Charlie Brown accompanying him on guitar. Scene closes with an up-close shot of Abraham Lincoln, with his hatchet visible under his coat or by his side. [Cue Music Segment: The Last Spartan]
CUT TO BLACK
INTRO- [Cue Music: Star Wars Theme]
"It has been nearly five years since the return of the Chosen Ones and the mysterious assassination of Prince Charming. Since then, the Chosen Ones have been leading the Resistance to many victories in battle, but still the tyranny of Lord Sohcahtoa dominates Acadamia.
Recently, the Resistance is facing struggles as the beloved Lady Macbeth has gone missing, and the people are losing faith in the Chosen Ones and their ability to find the missing Vocab Calendar to overthrow the Autocracy. Will peace ever again be restored? Indubitably.
The time is now, and the evil Empress Punnet, who had signed a treaty with Lord Sohcahtoa, has just been murdered by an unknown hand, and the X,Y Axis Navy has engaged the Resistance in an epic sea battle just off the coast of the Biological kingdom of Blastopore. And here, finally, continues our story…
[Act I]
[SCENE ONE]: Battle of the Endoplasmic (Ocean)
*Scene opens up to a battle, showing various shots of cannons, explosions, airplanes, etc.*
*Cut to shot of a room full of computers, with agents and men in lab coats, typing at computers; one man in an orange lab coat is walking among them (this is Dr Commander Jenkins), looking at their screens and giving orders/asking questions*
The following text fades in and out of view at the bottom of the screen: “Endoplasmic Ocean, off the coast of Blastopore Aboard (X,Y) Axis Power Flagship, the Nucleus II July 1, 1948”
Dr. Commander Jenkins: (he stops behind a particular man at a computer) Johnson, what’s our situation?
Professor Johnson: Dr. Commander, we have a total of 375 Phagocyte fighters in the air right now - make that 370- with fifteen White Blood Cell Battleships engaging the enemy fleet.
Jenkins: Excellent! Casualties?
Johnson: We’ve lost 10,063 Phagocyte fighters, and lost contact with three White Blood Cell Battleships, and despite their small numbers and unpreparedness, the Resistance fleet is still managing to push its way toward the shore.
Jenkins: Never fear, as long as this ship stays intact, there’s no way they can wipe out the entire fleet! But you said they were unprepared? How?
Johnson: Well sir, the Resistance fleet is significantly smaller than it should be, and much less equipped than we anticipated. When we first engaged their fleet, they seemed surprised to be met with our armada so promptly.
Jenkins: Fools, they always were ill-prepared for these sort of things.
Johnson: Not like this sir. They brought hardly a war fleet at all! More like a… scavenging fleet.
Jenkins: Not a war fleet? (to self) So, if the great Joan of Arc hasn’t come to fight, what has she come for?
[suddenly, the door behind Jenkins opens, and three agents of the Autocracy enter; the two flanking the other, who seems to be in command.]
Jenkins: What’s this? I’m going to need to see your Trigonometric Identification.
Smith: [flashing ID] Agent Smith, Major Axis of the Ellipse. We’ll take it from here.
Jenkins: We may have signed your treaty, but this is Blastopore’s business, the Autocracy has no jurisdiction here!
Agent Smith: Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, Dr. Commander. According to the (X,Y) Axis Treaty, the assassination of your Empress Punnet has activated a sub clause, which declares that all of your military operations are now under Autocratic control, not to mention that this is our ship, after all. Now please, step aside, Dr. Commander. (to Professors at computers) Scramble all your Phagocytic fighters! Power up all sinusoid turrets! You’re going to need a lot more firepower than this.
Jenkins: I assure you Major, this is highly unnecessary! We have everythi -
Agent Smith: Unnecessary? You think that your Empress has assassinated herself? No Jenkins, this is the work of highly skilled persons: they are here. You will need all the firepower you possess if you wish to win this battle.
Jenkins: Bah! It’s only three men! And -
Agent Smith: They’re not just three men, they’re the Chosen Ones!
Jenkins: Yes, well, even so, they would never be so bold as to assassinate the Empress. Has their involvement - or even their presence been confirmed?
Agent Smith: …No, but pray to Pythagoras that they’re not.
[Sudden explosion, whole room shakes, lights flicker, Officers and Agents thrown to the floor]
Jenkins: What in the name of Charles Darwin?! Johnson! Find out what that was!
Johnson: I’ve got it sir! A formation of three unknown aircraft have just punched through our defense membrane!
Professor Two: We’re receiving a transmission from them now!
Agent Smith: Put them through!
Charlie Brown: (In a transmission overhead) Hey guys, what’s up? This is the Chosen Ones, and we’d just like to let you know, you’re goin’ down!
Ron Weasley (shot from Weasley’s “fighter plane”/Anthony’s van): (yelling at his radio) Yeah, get ready to have your butts kicked!
*back to Control Deck*
Michael Jackson: Who’s bad?!
Agent Smith: Bloody Bandits, you’ll never succeed!
Weasley: What? You attacked us! We had nothing to do with your stupid Empress.
Brown: But you see, it was awfully convenient of you to send all of your troops into the air just now.
Jackson (shot from Jackson’s “fighter plane”/Taylor’s truck): Yeah, even now, we have infiltrated your flagship and intend to have this battle over within oh, I’d say, what do you guys think? Three minutes?
*back to Control Deck*
Brown: Yeah I’d say about three minutes or so.
Weasley: Agreed.
Jackson: Well! It’s been lovely talking to you guys, but we gotta go.
ALL: CHOSEN ONES OUT!
*all following shots to be taken individually inside our respective cars*
[Cue Music: 99 Red Balloons?]
Joan of Arc: Alright guys, well said! Now form up, let’s do this. This is Red Leader, checking in.
Weasley: Red One, checking in.
Brown: Red Two, checking in.
Jackson: Red Three, checking in.
Joan of Arc: Alright, now we’re gonna take out these White Blood Cells one by one! Hold formation and for goodness’ sake Weasley, don’t get distracted like last time!
Weasley: Hey, that still turned out pretty alright in the end!
Brown: Yeah, if we assume that those eskimos enjoyed being trampled by a herd of wildebeest.
Weasley: Hey, how was I supposed to know that a tribe of bloody eskimos would be in the middle of Africa?
Joan of Arc: FOCUS!
Jackson: Alright guys, let’s not forget to be friendly and love one another! *swerve* Woa! (to unknown enemy) Die, Biological demons from the underworld! DIE!
*cut back to Control Deck*
[everyone scared, scrambling around]
Agent Smith: (to Jenkins) Search the ship, we need to find out where you’ve been infiltrated, and by whom!
Jenkins: May I suggest, if the reports of Jack Sparrow still working with these so-called “chosen ones” are true, it could be that he is the one who has infiltrated our ship.
[While Jenkins is talking, Agent Smith approaches a computer screen and takes off his sunglasses to examine it, revealing more sunglasses.]
Agent Smith: Sparrow? Hmm…
[Cue Music: Jack Sparrow]
*cut to shot just outside Control Deck, with Jack Sparrow looking in through the window in the door*
[Jack Sparrow walks away and begins to expatiate bemusedly about the hallway. Comes across rows of Agents standing in a line. Begins to inspect them, tap them, and breathe in their faces, among other annoying things. Agents take no notice of him.]
Sparrow: *turns from one of the Agents and begins to walk away. Spins around suddenly and yells in his face* WOA!
[the Agent does nothing]
[Jack walks to a spot on the floor and sets up a lawn chair. Watches Agents scramble about around him.]
Sparrow: All of these agents look the same!
[Cue music: Wheel of Fortune (3:44)]
*cut back to Chosen Ones in fighter planes*
Jackson: Woa, Blue Leader, heads up! Sinusoid missile at four o’clock!
Blue Leader: I got it, don’t worry! [Explosion in Blue Leader’s ship] AHHH!!
Jackson: NOO!!
[Shot of Blue Leader’s ship plunging into the water below]
Jackson: Guys, we’re losing too many troops out here!
Joan of Arc: Suck it up Michael, this is war!
Brown: We’ve got to give Jack more time!
[Cue music: Jack Sparrow (1:42)]
[Jack Sparrow looks over the top of a bomb he is placing and runs away]*
*close up of the bomb*
*cut to Control Deck*
Professor One: (to Agent Smith) Sir! We’ve located Jack Sparrow! We have two Agents in pursuit in the lower hallway, just outside the Suburban hangar.
Agent Smith: Stop him! Close the hangar doors, see that he doesn’t escape!
*cut to “lower hangar”*
*Jack Sparrow comes running frantically around a corner, with two Agents in hot pursuit! Hangar door begins to close, Jack rolls under it just barely, almost losing his hat but grabbing it before the door shuts. Picks up his hat, brushes it off, walks toward a parked Suburban*
Sparrow: Gentlemen, stay calm! I’m taking over this suburban!
All Agents: LOL!
Agent One: This Suburban cannot be crewed by one man. You’ll never make it out of the bay!
Sparrow (pointing a gun directly in the Agent’s face): Gentlemen, I’m Captain Jack Sparrow! Savvy?
*cut forward in time to shot of Jack Sparrow hanging head out the window of the Suburban.*
Sparrow: Gentlemen! Let this day always be remembered as the day that you almost caught Captain! Jack! Sparrow!
[Agents are all bound and tied, and struggle in response]
[Cue music: I’ve Got My Eye On You (1:31)]
*inside the Suburban*
Joan of Arc: (in a transmission) Hey Sparrow, it’s good to see you made it out alive! Is the bomb in place?
Sparrow: Affirmative General!
Jackson: (in a transmission) Sweet, then it’s time to blow this joint!
Brown: (also transmission…) Right off the hinges!
*cut back to Control Deck*
Professor Two: (to Agent Smith) I’m sorry sir….He got away.
Agent Smith: (in a way that is reminiscent of Davy Jones) Blast you, Jack Sparrow!!!!!
*shot of the ship exploding*
*fade to black*
[END SCENE]
[Act I]
[SCENE TWO]: Resistance HQ Time: Afternoon; July 2nd, 1948
At the Resistance’s Headquarters, board meeting. Abraham Lincoln seated at the table, General Washington, Captain Ahab, and Joan of Arc are entering the room, while the Chosen Ones are leaning against the wall]
*Scene opens up with a close-up on Lincoln’s bobble head. He taps it*
*camera change to Lincoln’s face staring intently at the bobble head*
Abraham Lincoln: (to secretary) This doesn’t look anything like me. Have them redo it.
[Washington, Ahab, and Joan sit down at the table, while Jack acknowledges Ahab]
Jack Sparrow: Captain!
Captain Ahab: Captain.
[Joan acknowledges General Washington]
Joan of Arc: General!
General Washington: General.
Lincoln: Welcome, my trusted brethren. We’ve all met here today after our glorious feat in the Endoplasmic Ocean at Blastopore. Our losses have finally claimed their mark as worthy of a cause. We may be able to find the Vocab Calendar even after fending off such a biological bombardment. [Lincoln looks towards Joan] But I’ve heard things went a little more explosive than just ordinary warfare. Starting off Joan, how did the battle go? Give a report. What were the casualties?
Joan: Well sir, we don’t know the exact amount yet, but current reports suggest that our casualties were few during the battle. Ron, what was our estimate?
Ron Weasley: We’re going to ball park the numbers to anywhere between twelve. . . and forty five hundred.
[Lincoln is very pleased and smiles nodding his head]
Joan: But our victory was mostly thanks to our very own Captain Jack and his bombardier tactics. While we created a diversion in the air, Sparrow here set and detonated a bomb inside the Nucleus, which deactivated the air support, and left the remaining battle ships lost without a leader or defense.
[Jack Sparrow expresses joy of the winnings]
Ahab: (Quietly to Washington) Yrgh, it’s nice to see the look on Captain Jack’s face when he finds out that he was the cause for the winnings. The man makes me sick…
Sparrow: But let’s not forget! Where in this wide world would we be, were it not for Joan’s brilliant battle strategies?
Joan: It was nothing. Simple war tactics are elementary in the wide scheme of things.
[General Washington looks confused]
Joan: It’s a shame that Blastopore blames us for the assassination of Empress Punnit though.
Ahab: Aye, a cryin’ shame someone got to ‘er first! I’d’ve give me other leg to watch Moby Dick drag her to the bottom of the ocean, I would.
Michael Jackson: Now now Ahab, remember: that’s not the way! [Ahab is disgruntled and says nothing] But we still don’t have a lead on the true assassin. That defense fleet prevented us from conducting any sort of successful investigation.
Sparrow: Well someone had to have killed her, she couldn’t have gotten lost in a fog.
Charlie Brown: Speaking of people going missing…where is Lady Macbeth, Honest Abe? Shouldn’t she be here as well?
Lincoln: Oh um, the Lady is uh, elsewhere. *Cough* and it’s…not important.
Brown: But Mr. President, the Lady doesn’t just disappear on unimportant business for no apparent reason.
[Lincoln looks distraught but changes back to his calm self in moments]
Washington: Agreed! You’re not hiding something form us are you Abe? We have the right- as a people, as citizens, as friends, and as brothers- to know where she is!
Lincoln: You know what Washington? You remind me an awful lot of Adolf Hitler.
[Washington is flabbergasted and doesn’t speak. Others in the room nod and whisper in consent]
Lincoln: But *ahem* anyway, moving past that. Next item of business: How goes the ring Frodo?
Frodo: . . . .
Brown: That bad huh?
Weasley: (in exasperated tone) Give us the Ring then…
*shot of the ring being dropped into Ron’s hand.*
*Cue Music: The Ring Goes South, show fast forwarded shots of Chosen Ones traveling, the ring falling into the lava, etc., etc., and coming back to the room just as they left it.*
Ahab: What? Madness! One does not simply walk into Mordor!
Jackson: Um, excuse me! We just DID.
[Lincoln crosses off “Destroy the One Ring” from his To-Do list in his hand]
Lincoln: Moving on! General *cough-hitler-cough* Washington! How did the battle at Delaware go? You must still be in exuberance.
Washington: Why yes, it was most successful! Though may I request perhaps, some more provisions for our next battle? We’re camping out in Valley Forge you see, and -
Ahab: Yeargh, where this be going?
Lincoln: Well Mr. Ahab, it’s nice to know what our land troops need so that we can supply them! One failure to provide and a house divided against itself cannot stand.
Ahab: Aye aye sir. But more important matters remain that have been too long overlooked! These men claim to be the Chosen Ones, but from what I can see the X,Y Axis Powers still stand strong, and the Vocab Calendar is still lost!
Brown: Well Ahab, if you’d stop chasing around your stupid whale and started paying attention to this war, you’d see just how much we’ve accomplished! I’d like to see you be a Chosen One and accomplish as much.
Weasley: Yeah, you wouldn’t last a day as a Chosen One! It kinda sucks sometimes, being so awesome.
Ahab: Your acts are noble indeed! But you have thus far proven yourselves inadequate to fulfill the prophecy! You see, the Vocab Calendar is like a whale. Take me for instance: I caught many a whale on me whaling voyage, but I wasn’t finished until I found Moby Dick, y’hear? [Ron makes a “WTF?” face to others] Now it is your turn! You must make the Calendar your Moby Dick.
Weasley: Hey, old loon, take a hike will ya? We’ll find the Calendar when we want to find the Calendar!
Ahab: Arg! Commend the Murderous chalices! Drink ye harpooners! Drink and swear, ye men that man the deathful whaleboat’s bow! DEATH TO MOBY DICK!
[Ahab draws his sword and slaps it on the desk and swipes everything to the floor, waving his sword in the air. Lincoln hangs his head and rubs his eyes with his hand in exasperation. Washington and Joan tackle and restrain Ahab, forcing pills into his mouth. Ahab continues to yell and growl for a moment and then calms down.]
Ahab: Aye, I’m calm, I be calm!
[Washington and Joan let him go and return to their seats]
Jackson: Alright, you’re sure you’re ok? We can get you some water?
Sparrow: (smiling) Some rum?
Ahab: No, I don’t want no rum! I want to see results! Imma puttin no more faith in you four until I see ‘em. If you truly are the Chosen Ones, you will find the Vocab Calendar!
*Scene cuts to black*
*Scene fade in, people filing out of the Conference room. Lincoln stops the Chosen Ones and pulls them aside to talk*
Lincoln: You know Captain Ahab is right.
Weasley: Yeah that crazy old loon is right! But it’s been decades since we’ve seen the Calendar, where are we going to find it?
Lincoln: Boys, boys. You are confronted with a difficult task! As I often have been. But you really do need to be more persistent…like me! [Gestures to the statue and picture of himself]
Jackson: Well…maybe the Autocracy has it and they are holding back on us?
Sparrow: Keep telling yourself that, they’re all just a bunch of scally wags.
Brown: No, if Sohcahtoa had the Calendar we’d know it.
Lincoln: Boys, I actually have some very important intel to give to you. [leads them to a corner secretly] Top secret intelligence units have recovered new information from the Oracle of Dempewolf - regarding the Calendar.
Brown: What? Are you being serious?
Jackson: Why wasn’t this discussed in the briefing with the others?
Lincoln: It’s complicated, boys, it really is. I don’t want this information falling into…the wrong hands.
Jackson: I don’t like this secrecy.
Lincoln: I’m sorry Michael, but these are desperate times; desperate measures are called for.
Weasley: So what did she have to say? I thought the Oracle didn’t know anything about the Calendar.
Lincoln: Well, that’s just it. She hasn’t told us where it is, but she has given us a clue. We received this just this morning. [presents a slip of paper to the others]
Sparrow: [leans in and leers at it] It says “Itsanbull.”
Brown: “Itsanbull?” That’s got to be a typo, Mr. President. That doesn’t make any sense.
Jackson: What else could it be?
Lincoln: We believe it to be a misspelling of “Istanbul.”
Weasley: Istanbul? What’s an Istanbul?
Sparrow: It’s a place, a city, a location on a map.
Jackson: I’ve never heard of it before.
Sparrow: That’s because you were all dead when it came about. Istanbul was once known as Constantinople. They changed the name several years after you all disappeared.
Brown, Weasley, Jackson together: Oohh.
Weasley: Gotcha.
Lincoln: Now we don’t know for sure if it’s in Istanbul, or if you will just find your next clue there. But go there, you must!
Weasley: Constantinople is just so far though!
Brown: Istanbul.
Weasley: Whatever.
Lincoln: Gentlemen. [extends arms in a brotherly way] All my life I have tried to pluck a thistle and plant a flower where ever the flower would grow in thought and mind. This I have done with you men, and now, you must find the Calendar, at whatever cost.
Jackson: But we’ve been bringing peace to the land. Is that not enough?
Lincoln: Yes, and that is very important! I thank you for that. But true peace can only be achieved when I . . . when we have the calendar.
Jackson: Not fighting as much would be nice.
Brown: Yeah because fighting is a potential threat to our lives?
Sparrow: You’re right. Being an immortal zombie isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be.
Lincoln: Very well! Gentlemen, friends. From here on out, you will no longer be conscripted. Your sole purpose and mission will be to find the Vocabulary Calendar, and contact me immediately once you’ve found it. [Close up] You must bring it to me.
All: Yes sir.
[Cue music: Darth Vader Theme]
*scene ends with a shot from down the hall, Chosen Ones walking toward the camera, away from Lincoln, who can be seen standing alone and ominously in the background*
*cut to black*
[END SCENE]
[Act I]
[SCENE THREE]: Enter Agent Malone Time: Night. July 2, 1948
X,Y Axis Military base, Blastopore
[Music: Darth Vader Theme continues to play; cue the following scenes beginning at 0:10 seconds; with every beat of the music, change scene]
*Close ups: 8 ties being cinched up
*Close ups: 8 pairs of sunglasses being put on
*From behind: Misc. shots of suit jackets being donned.
Agents marching in single file, wielding their weapons
[Music: approx. 0:35 seconds in the song]
Room with computers, Surgeon General (in orange coat) standing with another professor.
Professor: Agent Malone’s Great Suburban is on approach, sir.
Surgeon General: Very good, Professor. Ready the troops.
Professor: Already in position, sir.
Surgeon General: Well…find something else to do then.
Professor: You seem ‘on edge,’ sir. Something wrong?
Surgeon General: Our Navy was just blown out of the water, Professor. Do you think the Prime Number is coming to congratulate us?
Professor and Surgeon General look at each other grimly.
[Music 1:05]
*Show the words “Great Suburban” on the rear of the vehicle. Show Malone’s hand grasping the top of his cane We see the words CIA on his hat as lights pass by the car Suburban driving down the road. [Music: 1:34] Great Suburban pulls up. Agents begin assembling in two lines in front of the door Surgeon General and Professor emerge and stand at the end of the line of troops. [Music: 1:42] Malone emerges from the Suburban and walks down the aisle of Agents. As he passes them, Agents pull the “Boom-boom-firepower” salute.
*Slow motion shot, Malone walking towards the camera.
Surgeon General: Agent Malone, we are honored by your presence!
Agent Malone: Don’t act so pleasant, General. Your feelings betray you.
Surgeon General: Sir?
Malone: I can solve you like a derivative General - just by looking at you. I don’t want to hear about any of your reports or scientific ramblings. Your country’s military makes me sick, and so do you. Maybe with your silly Empress dead, we will finally make some progress in this so-called war.
Surgeon General: Sir, I assure you that -
Malone: Don’t assure me anything, General. You’ve failed me for the last time! We have enough failures in the Axis, and we don’t need anymore. Lord Sohcahtoa will be arriving here in Blastopore tomorrow, I need you to make the necessary preparations. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.
Surgeon General: The Autocrat is coming here?
Malone: Yes, general, and as soon as he does, you will be leaving. The Autocrat is not as forgiving as I am.
Malone swooshes his cape and storms out in an epic exit. Surgeon General stands alone for a moment, composes himself, bows slightly in Malone’s direction, turns and leaves.
[Music ends]
[Cut to black]
[END SCENE]
[ACT 1]
[SCENE IV]: Not Istanbul? Time: Daylight; July 3, 1948
The Chosen Ones and Jack Sparrow walking in a straight line through an open field.
Brown: So let me get this straight. Istanbul was Constantinople?
Sparrow: Yes, but now it’s Istanbul - not Constantinople.
Weasley: I once met a gal in Constantinople.
Sparrow: Well, every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople. So if you had a date in Constantinople, she’ll actually be waiting in Istanbul.
Weasley looks fried.
Jackson: Did you know that even old New York was once New Amsterdam?
Brown: Yeah, why’d they change it?
Jackson: I can’t say.
Sparrow: Eh, people just liked it better that way.
Weasley: Look! Let’s ask this guy for directions!
They approach a man on the street.
Sparrow: Excuse me, good sir! Would you know where we might perchance find our way to Istanbul?
Man: (Incredulously) Istanbul? What’s an Istanbul?
Sparrow: Well it was Constantinople -
Weasley: to Sparrow: Oh knock it off, will ya? (to man) Well, it’s this here. (He hands the man the slip of paper. )
Brown: (to Ron) Well don’t - (to man) That’s just a typo.
Man: Where did you get this?
Jackson: I’m sorry, sir, that’s classified.
Man: Fine, so are your directions!
They all exchange looks
Brown: It came from the Oracle.
Man: Of Dempewolf?
Brown: Unless there’s another Oracle you know of.
Man: You’re not looking for Istanbul. This isn’t Istanbul; you’re looking for “It’s-an-bull.”
Brown: I told you, that’s a typo.
Man: The Oracle does not make typos.
Brown: “It’s an bull?” But that’s not even correct grammar!
Man: Well, what do you expect? We haven’t had the Vocab Calendar for almost half a century, of course our diction was go to the pits.
Jackson: Well what does it mean then?
Man: It’s the epitaph written on Wiley Wild Jordan’s gravestone.
Brown: Who in the world is Wiley Wild Jordan?
Weasley: He founded the city of Wild West Jordan.
Everyone looks at Ron in surprise and confusion.
Man: Yeah, yeah that’s right.
Sparrow: Wait, you mean the place where Malone killed you guys forty five years ago?
Jackson: Yeah, that’s the place!
Brown: Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me. That the Calendar is exactly where we left it?
Everyone exchanges dramatic looks
[END SCENE]
<Unwritten scenes>:
- Sohcahtoa arrives at Blastopore, assigns Malone to forego his special task force and seek the Chosen Ones alone. "Search his feelings" to find them.
- Sohcahtoa hosts a private meeting with Abraham Lincoln, revealing he has been in coalition with Abe since before the Chosen Ones' return.
- The Chosen Ones arrive at Wild West Jordan. Through a series of comical mishaps they discover the Vocab Calendar sitting casually on the park bench where it was left in the Great Suburban Robbery. "You've got to be kidding me." - Ron Weasley.
- Agent Malone appears, gives them battle. Although he is alone, he gives them quite a scuffle. Eventually, he disables each one of them, seizing the Calendar and laughing maniacally. SUDDENLY:
*Lincoln appears ominously behind Malone*
[cue portion of Oh Yeah music]
[Lincoln strikes Malone to the ground from behind and seizes the Calendar. Malone recovers, saber drawn in defense]
Lincoln: Excellent work Malone, the Autocrat will be pleased.
Malone: The Vocab Calendar is my responsibility!
Lincoln: Was your responsibility. Now it is mine. A bloody fate awaits you Malone, along with you so-called “Chosen Ones,” and I, Abraham Lincoln, Sixteenth President of the United States, will send you to it!
Malone: When the Autocrat learns of this, he will have your head!
Lincoln: When he learns? Hahaha! Fool. He ordered me to do it.
[Malone is shocked and confused. Lincoln draws his axe and disarms Malone, striking him to the ground]
CUT TO BLACK
Remainder unwritten:
- Joan of Arc arrives b/c of distress signal sent when Malone first arrived, learns what Lincoln has done, pursues him, is killed after an epic fight scene 'paso doble' style.
- Malone receives consciousness and the first thing he sees is a panda mask. The man in the panda mask has arrived to give hope and instruction to the Chosen Ones and Malone. He implores Malone to fight with them and overthrow the Autocrat. Malone refuses.
- Chosen Ones go on a recruitment mission (use song from Voice of the Patriots); various places, rallying others to their cause. Overall, they get like three or four other people, among them Washington and Ahab.
- They plunge themselves straight into Autocracy HQ. Big fight. Epic and stuff. Begin to be defeated. Michael Jackson is knocked to the ground, vision blurry; a figure stands over him and lifts him back up. It's Malone. He has come to help them fight!
- Sohcahtoa appoints Abraham Lincoln "Agent Abe". Agent bursts in, informing them both of the arrival of the Chosen Ones; they are not too concerned; Agent then informs them that they are being led through the fortress by Agent Malone. Fear comes over both of them. Sohcahtoa commands Agent Abe to dispose of them PROPERLY this time.
- Chosen Ones and Malone continue to plow through agent minions and climb the tower to Sohcahtoa. They are surrounded. Agent Malone stays behind to keep the agents from following the Chosen Ones to the top. They fight their way up. Agent Abe appears to stop them; brief scuffle, Michael, Charlie, and Ron get around, and Jack urges them onward and upward, while he contends with Agent Abe, ultimately killing him. Dramatic shot of his hat hitting the floor. Yeah.
- Arriving to Sohcahtoa, they all fight and stuff. Sohcahtoa uses a lot of lightning. As Sohcahtoa is about to destroy one of them, Malone suddenly appears and sacrifices himself by jumping between Sohcahtoa and them, taking the hit. All of them are shocked. Ron Weasley raises his want to Sohcahtoa and says simply, "avada kedavra". Sohcahtoa is unceremoniously destroyed and they all kneel to console in his long, dramatically drawn out death of Agent Malone.
- Chosen Ones stand together in a dark room, discussing things they learned, people they lost. Etc. It appears as though they're about to appear before a large crowd. A curtain goes up. The Chosen Ones sing "Sweet Victory", you know, from that Spongebob episode. Roll credits.
- Post Credits scene: RANDY appears in an astronomically large spaceship. Sends a video message down to the Chosen Ones, making threats and being all lame and stuff. He blasts the earth with a giant laser and destroys the entire planet. The last thing we see is Randy's face as he says, "Check-mate!"
And it's over.
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