written by Lindsay Yorgason
story by Lindsay Yorgason, Taylor Yorgason, Spencer Broadhead, and Anthony Minson
ACT I
SCENE I
SETTING: Ship deck. Night. (Use Wild West Jordan Park, basement, computer lab)
[JOAN OF ARC, captain, patrols deck. Crew is below deck. Suddenly three masked men jump over the side and grab JOAN’s arms. MASKED MAN #2 comes from behind. JOAN elbows him in the face and draws her sword on MASKED MAN #1. Suddenly she drops it and puts both hands to her throat as if she is being choked.] MALONE: Joan of Arc. [Smirks] At last we meet face to face. [To MASKED MAN #1:] Search the ship. Leave no survivors. [Back to JOAN:] Did you really think you could outrun us? [JOAN chokes in response] MALONE, CONT’D: Ever since you decimated my army of mindless minions I suspected a higher power other than your teenage intuition. Where. Is. The Calendar? JOAN: [Choking] I… I don’t know… what you’re… talking about… MALONE: Don’t lie to me! [JOAN continues to choke and makes no response. MALONE, pissed off, throws her aside] MALONE: Useless! [JOAN gives him a dirty look, gasping and rubbing her neck. MALONE stares down at her, breathing hard and flaring his nostrils] JOAN: You will never succeed. MALONE: [Laughs evilly] Oh, I don’t think so. You’d be surprised what – [twiddles beard] – resources I have. Math… has no limits. [JOAN stands shakily] JOAN: You mathematical fiend! [MALONE backhands her, and she sprawls to the ground, unconscious. At that point, MALONE’s minions return] MASKED MAN #1: The crew is dead. There is no trace of the Calendar. MALONE: Congratulations, Miss Of Arc. You get to live another day. [To minions:] Take her away! Back to the Suburban. [END SCENE]
SCENE II SETTING: Empty field. Night. Grave site of The Bandits. (Wooded place by Kenzie’s house) [MALONE visits the graves of the Bandits, buried foremost among other victims. It is the 40th anniversary of his victory against the Bandits. He carries dead flowers. As he is walking, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE follows him. MALONE approaches the graves and throws the bouquet on top of them. A cardboard sign reads: “Here Lie The Bandits.”] MALONE: Happy Anniversary, losers! How does it feel to lose to a real man? [MYSTERIOUS FIGURE creeps closer] MALONE, CONT’D: Forty years ago on this day, All Hallows Eve, I killed you, the supposed “Chosen Ones.” In honor of this special day, I’m going to kill you again! [Pulls out a gun and shoots three times at the graves and laughs] Chosen Ones… I know what you REALLY are. You’re… [MALONE continues insulting and bragging] [All the while the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE creeps near MALONE and the graves, where they finally hide behind a nearby bush. They pull out a Vocabulary Spell Book and flip to a page. The camera never shows his/her face. MALONE continues to kick at the graves and yell animatedly in the background.] FIGURE: [Chanting] Ego diligo ut sus ex nemus amo a mortuus monachus quod edo liberi... [Waves wand, making elaborate swivels and swirls with both hands] MALONE: Yeah, that’s right! Whatcha gonna do now? [Does a little jig, chanting “ha ha”] [Ground begins to rumble] MALONE, CONT’D: What the –? [Cue “Thriller” scene] [MALONE begins fighting the zombies, knocking down and killing all but JACK SPARROW, MICHAEL JACKSON, CHARLIE BROWN, AND RON WEASLEY. He is reluctant to touch them, but they don’t make much of an attempt to attack him. When the rest of the zombies are dead, MALONE gives the Four one look and begins to laugh evilly. As he is laughing, his form begins to disappear. The four are left alone. When MALONE is gone, the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE comes out of hiding and approaches them.] FIGURE: The Chosen Ones… and Jack Sparrow. SPARROW: Captain! FIGURE: Captain… Jack Sparrow. JACKSON: Why do you call us “The Chosen Ones?” FIGURE: Because of the prophecy. BROWN: Prophecy? FIGURE: Yes. The prophecy calls three figures; a Wizard, a Good Man, and a Childlike Dancer who are destined to defeat the Lord Sohcahtoa and his dark followers, namely Agent Malone. WEASLEY: Well it’s good we’re back to life, then. Otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to fulfill the prophecy. SPARROW: I feel sullied and… unusual… FIGURE: Yes… well… I called you from the dead for this purpose. Agent Malone is setting out to find the Vocabulary Calendar, which will give him all powers of Literary Prowess as well as the Mathematical skills of the Autocracy. If he finds the Calendar, he and Lord Sohcahtoa will rule Academia. [Blank stares from the BANDITS and SPARROW] FIGURE, CONT’D: You must stop him. [Silence] BROWN: Uh… okay… FIGURE: Seriously. BROWN: That’s a really random prophecy… doesn’t sound real. [FIGURE stares at BROWN for a long time] JACKSON: So, where IS the Vocabulary Calendar? FIGURE: Not even the Oracle of Dempewolf knows. But you must visit her before finding the Resistance. WEASLEY: The Resistance? FIGURE: I grow tired of your questions! The Oracle of Dempewolf lies in a general… [Points aimlessly in several directions] … this way, direction. [The BANDITS and SPARROW all look at each other with raised eyebrows and turn to look in the direction the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE has pointed] JACKSON: But what do we do when we – ? [As they turn back to look at the FIGURE, they find no one there] SPARROW: Well that’s maddeningly unhelpful. [Silence] BROWN: Okay then… [The BANDITS and SPARROW head off in the direction the FIGURE has pointed.] WEASLEY: [As they are walking away] When did we stop looking like zombies? [END SCENE]
SCENE III
SETTING: A journeying to the Oracle of Dempewolf. Day. (Wooded place by Kenzie’s) [The BANDITS (which now includes SPARROW hereafter) make their way to the ORACLE OF DEMPEWOLF. Various scenes of trekking and hiking. Possibly trials and varying degrees of dirtiness and/or exhaustion. Very dramatic. Heroic music playing in the background.] JACKSON: [Exhausted] We’ll never make it! BROWN: [Wiping sweat from his brow] There are thousands of them, and only four of us! [SPARROW counts his fingers] [More scenes of walking, hiking, dragging each other along.] WEASLEY: We made it! [END OF SCENE]
SCENE IV SETTING: The shrine of the Oracle of Dempewolf. Day. (Outside Mom’s wall) [The BANDITS have stumbled upon a great shrine, with a label over it reading “Oracle of Dempewolf.” They approach.] JACKSON: Erm… Oracle? [SPARROW is tapping spots on the shrine and rubbing others, clearly bemused.] WEASLEY: Maybe there’s a spell I could use… [Waves wand awkwardly] Specialis Revelio! [Nothing happens] BROWN: Nice work, Merlin. SPARROW: Now I know where the rum went. JACKSON: Hey guys, now let’s just calm down. Remember, it’s all about the love. L-O-V-E. BROWN: That’s a great idea, white-but-used-to-be-black boy! JACKSON: Well I don’t you coming up with any ideas! WEASLEY: [Excited] HEY! Hey guys! This is what we should do – BROWN: Be quiet Ron, we’re trying to think! SPARROW: Yes Ronald, now we’re going to ask something most difficult of you – but please, don’t talk, and try not to do anything… stupid. [WEASLEY backs down, looking sad] BROWN: Okay guys, think! [ALL think for a moment. Then WEASLEY, looking around timidly, starts to raise his hand to give an idea. All at once there is a soft, but commanding, voice in the air] ORACLE: Yes, Ron? [Startled, the FOUR look around at the shrine, to see a floating head of a woman, who despite her disembodied-ness, looks rather short. They drop to the ground, awed, and bow, saying:] ALL: Oracle of Dempewolf! ORACLE: Yes? Did you have a question? BROWN: Um… ORACLE: So you’re the Chosen Ones. [Sighs] I guess I should have expected this. JACKSON: [Looking at his companions] Well, Oracle, we have a question… ORACLE: Obviously. JACKSON: Well, we were sent here by an extremely unhelpful Mysterious Figure, and we’re guessing we should find something called The Resistance. But we don’t even know what that is, or what year this is, or what’s going on! ORACLE (voice-over): [Sighs] Shortly after your death forty years ago, Lord Sohcahtoa and Agent Malone reined over Academia in tyranny. However, without the Vocab Calendar, which you stole and is now lost to the known world, they could never fully maintain control. There were those who believed that the forces of Literacy and Logic were essential to ruling Academia, and the Autocracy possessed only Logic and mathematics. Resisting the authority of Sohcahtoa, the believers, in secret, formed The Resistance. They have been fighting the Autocracy ever since, trying, with little success, to defeat the mathematical genius of Malone and his minions. Until the prophecy, success remained ever fleeting. But the recent alliance between Lord Sohcahtoa and Empress Punnett has discouraged them, and only you, with the exception of Jack Sparrow, can defeat them. SPARROW: [Muttering under breath] Captain… [WEASLEY sweeps hand over head to indicate he has not heard a word. ORACLE sighs again] BROWN: Okay then… [END SCENE]
SCENE V SETTING: Wilderness. Day. (Wooded place by Kenzie’s) WEASLEY: Where did the Oracle tell us to go? BROWN: She told us to go this way. SPARROW: People around here don’t have a good sense of direction, do they? [END SCENE] [END ACT I]
ACT II SCENE I SETTING: The inner chamber of Lord Sohcahtoa. (Dad’s office) [AGENT MALONE has returned from the grave site of his now resurrected Nemeses. He is extremely unnerved. He enters the chamber of LORD SOHCAHTOA, and immediately drops to one knee in an obsequious gesture before the swivel seat of his master.] MALONE: My Lord. SOHCAHTOA: [His back to MALONE] Arise, my trusted Prime Number. MALONE: [Rises] My Lord, the Bandits have risen again. From the dead. SOHCAHTOA: [Swivels in the chair to face MALONE] I know why it is you are here. MALONE: Yes, I just… told you. [Silence] SOHCAHTOA: Silence! [MALONE falls to his knees and puts his face to the floor, hands splayed. SOHCAHTOA stares at him for a moment, then, kicking him, says:] SOHCAHTOA, CONT’D: Get up, get up! MALONE: [Rises] What is thy bidding, my master? SOHCAHTOA: Fortunately we have an advantage. A very great one. I have allied our forces with the cunning of Empress Punnett, the Mistress of Science. With our mathematical genius and her scientific powers we will be one step closer to finding the Vocab Calendar. MALONE: But not even the Oracle of Dempewolf knows where it is. SOHCAHTOA: No, but the Oracle is not of the land of Academia. By combining science and math we control the ways of the world, and that is more powerful than the mind, which can be confused and is often in error. MALONE: Where is the Empress? SOHCAHTOA: She is here. She has been conducting experiments on my minions to conclude whether or not they perform their duties satisfactorily. [EMPRESS PUNNETT enters the room, carrying a needle. MALONE’s eyes widen and he takes a step back.] MALONE: Will I be included in these… experiments? PUNNETT: You will bow before your superiors! [Brandishes the needle] [MALONE falls to one knee, glaring up at the EMPRESS] SOHCAHTOA: As you can see, the Empress is not just a genius scientist. But no, Agent Malone. You are Prime Number because I already know you can be trusted and will never betray me. You have witnessed before what happens to traitors. Empress Punnett, you may put that away. [PUNNETT lowers the knife and looks at the needle wistfully] SOHCAHTOA, CONT’D: Rise, Malone. [MALONE rises] With our three minds combined, nothing will stand in our way! Not even the Chosen Ones! [SOHCAHTOA begins to laugh evilly, and is joined by MALONE and PUNNETT] [END SCENE]
SCENE II SETTING: The dungeon where Joan of Arc is kept prisoner. (Unfinished basement?) [MALONE is visiting his prisoner, JOAN OF ARC. She is wrapped in chains and lies on the floor, sleeping. She is dirty and bruised, and her hair is messy.] MALONE: Ha HA! It serves you right you stupid, stupid woman! [Slaps JOAN’s face.] This is what happens to fools like you! You should have said yes when I proposed the deal. Our alliance would have been unstoppable. JOAN: I would never join you! I’d rather kiss a Wookiee! MALONE: That can be arranged! JOAN: You’re despicable. MALONE: Thank you, I take much pride in my despicable self. Now, are you going to stop weeping there like a pathetic loser and join me, or will you dare to discover what happens NEXT to fool women like you? JOAN: [Disgusted] Do I really have to repeat myself? MALONE: [Cups hand to ear] What? JOAN: I said, do I really have to repeat myself? MALONE: I’m sorry, you’re going to have to repeat yourself. [JOAN glares abhorrently at MALONE] MALONE: [Laughs] You really ARE a fool! [Bends down and takes JOAN by the front of her shirt] I would love to never have to say this again. If you truly don’t know where the Calendar is, which our… special lie detectors told us you didn’t [Smiles evilly], then you have no option but to join me or die. JOAN: [Whispers] Never. MALONE: Are you sure? … [Speaking softly] We could make you great. Your skills as a general and fighter would be marvelously rewarded. After some time of faithful service, we could… make special arrangements for you. [Wiggles eyebrows and twiddles beard] JOAN: [Yells] Never! [MALONE throws her down and backs away, wiping his cheek] MALONE: You SPIT on me! You’ll live to regret this, Joan of Arc! Believe me, it’ll be the last thing you ever do! [Stalks out of the dungeon and slams the door] [END SCENE]
SCENE III SETTING: The Bandits journey to the Resistance. Day. (Wooded place by Kenzie’s) [We rejoin our heroes as they make their way to the headquarters of the Resistance.] BROWN: I’m seriously getting tired of walking. JACKSON: We must be there soon; we’ve walked five hundred miles… WEASLEY: And then we walked five hundred more. SPARROW: Lovely. So we’ll be the men to walk a thousand miles just to fall down at the Resistance’s door. JACKSON: [In a sing-song voice] Da da da… BROWN: Ugh, would you STOP singing?! You’ve been singing the whole way here in that freakish falsetto and I can’t stand it anymore! WEASLEY: [Pointing] Look! [ALL turn to look to see a two-storey building in front of them.] JACKSON: Where did this come from? SPARROW: I’ve been drinking too much rum… WEASLEY: It must be an enchantment to keep outsiders from seeing it. I read about it in Hogwarts, A History. [JACKSON, SPARROW, and BROWN all turn to look incredulously at WEASLEY.] BROWN: Okay then… [ALL go inside.] [END SCENE]
SCENE IV SETTING: The halls of the Resistance Headquarters; the office of the Leaders. (American Heritage) [The BANDITS walk down the halls of the Resistance when they enter. From doorways on either side, people poke their heads out, eyes wide and wondering. A GUARD greets them at the end of the hallway. He holds a clipboard and wears a bored face.] GUARD: Names. JACKSON: Uh… Michael Jackson, Ron Weasley, Charlie Brown, and Jack Sparrow. SPARROW: Captain. GUARD: [Eyebrows raised] Alright. Business? BROWN: Take us to your leader. [WEASLEY sniggers] GUARD: Hilarious. This way. [ALL follow through double doors into an office.] GUARD: Wait here, please. [He exits] [ABRAHAM LINCOLN enters. Cue music as camera slides slowly upward] LINCOLN: Is this possible? WEASLEY: Anything is possible. Alohomora! [LINCOLN’s top hat lifts off his head. LINCOLN pulls it down in disbelief] LINCOLN: How are you back? All these long years have been spent fighting the Autocracy, suffering the losses of our fighters of justice, and wallowing in discouragement when we failed. How, I say, are you back? WEASLEY: We came back to life… ? BROWN: ….Duh? [Awkward silence] LINCOLN: But the prophecy! It can now be fulfilled! The people of the nation can now rejoice in freedom and liberty! [A door opens dramatically to reveal LADY MACBETH. Cue music as camera slides slowly upward] L. MACBETH: What manner of knaves are these? [Sniffs SPARROW] Thou smellest as if buried in rot and excrement these fifty years at least. BROWN: Actually it’s forty… L. MACBETH: [Throws BROWN a dirty look] You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret you are so. [BANDITS advance] LINCOLN: Now, now. [Puts out an interfering hand] Gentlemen, may I present Lady Macbeth? [Takes L. MACBETH’s hand] Lady, these are the Chosen Ones foretold in the prophecy! [Makes large gesture with arm] L. MACBETH: Come, you are a tedious fool. The Chosen Ones they will be when the reek of bile and putrescence doth cease to rise from their heinous hides. WEASLEY: Nice to meet you too. [Rolls eyes] L. MACBETH: I tire of this useless banter. They have as much wit in their brains as I in my elbows. LINCOLN: Yes, well… [Clears throat] Gentlemen! You have yet to meet our leader! JACKSON: [To BANDITS] Another one? LINCOLN: [To no one in particular] Lights please! [To BANDITS] You’ll enjoy this. [The lights turn off. A spotlight appears to reveal the back of a man. Cue music as camera slides slowly upward. The man turns around to reveal PRINCE CHARMING, who dances up to the BANDITS. Music fades to background, and lights turn on.] CHARMING: Hey guys. What’s – [flips hair] – happening? [The BANDITS look around at each other] BROWN: Uh… L. MACBETH: Confusion now hath made his masterpiece! [Gestures toward CHARMING] LINCOLN: Charming, these are the Chosen Ones! CHARMING: Ah! LINCOLN: And boys, this here is our very own Prince Charming! L. MACBETH: [Under breath] I can hardly forbear hurling things at him… [CHARMING bows and the BANDITS look around at each other again] JACKSON: Pleased to meet you! [He shakes CHARMING’s hand] CHARMING: [Pulling hand away] Please, please! I just got them done! [Holds hand up to the light. Puts it down, relieved] Oh and boys, please don’t mind the Lady. She’s a bit waspish. [Widens eyes dramatically] L. MACBETH: If I be waspish, best beware my sting. LINCOLN: [Loudly] Now, friends, you must be weary! Come! We will talk. [ALL enter office] [END SCENE]
SCENE V SETTING: The office of the Leaders of the Resistance. (Elsha’s office) [The BANDITS are ushered into the office of the Resistance leaders. There they are told the situation of JOAN OF ARC and given a mission to go and rescue her.] LINCOLN: Gentlemen. Now that you have finally arrived, we have important matters to discuss. CHARMING: [Looking important] Yes, indeed. LINCOLN: Yes. In our war against the Autocracy, we have lost many. At times, our efforts seemed futile. CHARMING: And pointless. LINCOLN: [Throws CHARMING a dirty look] Most had given up hope on the prophecy. But now! Now you are here, and we can march forth with renewed vigor and faith! Ah, gentlemen, your coming was at our darkest hour, but now you can ensure our victory! BROWN: They sure like to heap on the pressure. LINCOLN: Really… you are our last hope. Without you we will all fall into a pit of destruction and death. BROWN: Seriously… the pressure… SPARROW: [Uncomfortable] Gentlemen, if you will excuse me, I must be getting on with… more… important things. [Begins creeping away] By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have any rum? L. MACBETH: No. Away! Thou art poison to my blood. SPARROW: … You smell funny! L. MACBETH: [Standing] Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon! JACKSON: Now, now! [Pulls SPARROW back to his seat] What do I keep telling you about the love? LINCOLN: We need you, Mr. Sparrow. SPARROW: I very much doubt that. CHARMING: Anyway… [Flips hair] LINCOLN: We have a situation. Our best general, Joan of Arc, has gone missing. We suspect Agent Malone. Her ship was found desolate; the crew was dead, and Joan absent. Our numbers are too few to attempt a full attack on the Autocracy headquarters, but with the Chosen Ones at our head, I believe those left of the Resistance will find heart and fight with you should you need them. We have to rescue Joan of Arc. [CHARMING jumps up on the table, drawing his sword, waving and slashing it excitedly] CHARMING: I will do it! I will save Joan of Arc! Where is she? As a prince and charming I must do my duty and save the princess! [Continues slashing at the air rather violently] [ALL are cringing and trying to avoid being hit by the sword] LINCOLN: [Arms over face] Someone stop him! [WEASLEY whips out his wand] WEASLEY: Accio sword! [CHARMING’s sword flies out of his hand, and he stops, stunned] CHARMING: … What just… happened? [Stares around, dazed and confused] WEASLEY: [Whispering to LINCOLN] Why is he your leader? LINCOLN: [Whispering] At first it was because he was attractive – the public loves a handsome face to follow. [With more venom] Lately, however, he has been insisting he make all the decisions because he is “destined to be king.” Ordering everyone about, never wanting advice… it’s taking a toll on both the Lady and I. [Looks away darkly] [WEASLEY leans back, looking wary] LINCOLN, CONT’D: [To CHARMING] Get down, man. [CHARMING climbs down] L. MACBETH: Our hours grow short. LINCOLN: Yes, yes… gentlemen. Do you accept your mission? [BANDITS look around at each other] BANDITS: Yes. [END SCENE]
SCENE VI SETTING: The office of the Leaders of the Resistance. (Elsha’s office) [LINCOLN sits alone at the desk, leaning back, his hands linked in front of his face. He is thoughtful. LADY MACBETH opens the door and closes it, looking as if she does not want to be heard.] L. MACBETH: Art thou alone? LINCOLN: The Chosen Ones have gone to save Joan of Arc, along with the rest of our forces, should they need them. They plan to confront Agent Malone and rescue the general. And Charming… is having his hair done. L. MACBETH: A boil, a plague-sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood! I am sick when I do look on him. LINCOLN: You grow too hasty. The time is not yet right. L. MACBETH: Was the hope drunk wherein you dressed yourself? Hath it slept since? And wakes it now, to look so green and pale at what it did so freely? LINCOLN: I did not say – L. MACBETH: Thou art a coward in hero’s garb. [LINCOLN is silent] L. MACBETH, CONT’D: The deed must be done ere night falls. [LINCOLN hesitates for a moment, then nods, relenting. LADY MACBETH smiles evilly] L. MACBETH, CONT’D: We shall be masters of Academia. [LINCOLN joins LADY MACBETH in her smile] [END SCENE]
SCENE VII SETTING: The dungeon where Joan is kept. (Unfinished basement?) [It is the day of JOAN OF ARC’s execution. She is even more tattered and dirty, and blood is smeared around her mouth and hands. She has endured torture by AGENT MALONE, and refused to join him. MALONE enters the dungeon, menacing and no longer in the mood for her attitude.] MALONE: I can’t tell you how long I have waited for this day. The day I finally get to see you burn in your own personal hell! And no one will be there to save you. Only I and my minions will watch, with very much joy, as you scream and beg and plead. [As he is speaking he comes closer and closer until he has her shirt in his fist, speaking in a low, malice-filled voice] JOAN: Do your worst. MALONE: Oh, I certainly shall. [Smiles evilly] [Here scenes clash together in a montage. Flashing between scenes of MALONE dragging JOAN through halls, minions stationed on either side and saluting him, and scenes of the BANDITS running in slow motion to the Autocracy headquarters. Intense music playing the whole time.] [END SCENE]
SCENE VIII SETTING: The battle between the Chosen Ones and Agent Malone and his minions, while trying to save Joan of Arc. Day. (Ulberg’s backyard) [MALONE has dragged JOAN OF ARC to the stake and tied her up; his minions stand around, watching. He gives her one last chance.] MALONE: [Close to JOAN] This is your last chance, general. Choose me, or the fire. [Holds lighter close to her face] [JOAN spits water into his face] MALONE: Argh! You shall burn! [He leans down to light the wood] [The BANDITS burst onto the scene, yelling and fighting. A large battle ensues. MALONE is watching from the stake, furious. He takes one last look at JOAN, throws the lighter to the ground and begins to advance, pushing random people aside, toward the nearest BANDIT. All of a sudden, the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE appears behind him. The FIGURE hits MALONE over the head, knocking him out. The FIGURE disappears. MALONE lays on the ground, untouched by those around him. As the fight ensues, BROWN finishes his opponent and runs toward JOAN, where he unties her and tells her to run. She will not go, so he grabs her hand and begins to run with her toward the gate, shouting to the others to follow him. WEASLEY trips forward and breaks his wand. He stands up, crying out in horror. SPARROW notices MALONE lying on the ground and walks toward him, sword out, intending to kill him. BROWN continues to yell at them to flee. JACKSON runs up behind SPARROW, who is about to strike MALONE, and grabs his arm, and pulls him after him. As they are running, MALONE wakes up and notices they are escaping. He begins to run after them, but then, again, out of nowhere the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE trips him. The FIGURE disappears as MALONE looks around him, wondering what happened. This gives the BANDITS time to escape. MALONE is left with a few minions, staring at the gate.] MALONE: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[END SCENE]
SCENE IX SETTING: A living room, presumably at the Resistance headquarters. (Someone’s living room…) [The BANDITS and JOAN are safe back at headquarters, drinking sodas and having a good time. They have become good friends.] WEASLEY: Yeah, we’ve only been back a couple of days. A lot’s happened since then. BROWN: We’re kind of tired of people thinking we can do everything. JOAN: Well, you rescued me! WEASLEY: Yeah, well… what haven’t we done? [Coughs importantly] [BROWN rolls his eyes] JOAN: Nice living room. It’s very encouraging. SPARROW: I know. I feel so alive when I’m in here!
(Call from the next room:) What are you doing in there, guys? ALL: We’re livin’, dude! SPARROW: I seriously don’t know why I’ve tagged along this whole time. JACKSON: I don’t know either. Hey, how did Malone kill you anyway? What did he have against you? [SPARROW looks away, muttering] BROWN: Alright, then. WEASLEY: Must be something embarrassing. [ALL smile. SPARROW continues to mutter] BROWN: Well, now we’re back, Michael can go find his lover Billie Jean. [Smiles mischievously] JACKSON: Billie Jean is not my lover! She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one… [ALL laugh] BROWN: And the kid? JACKSON: The kid is not my son! JOAN: Wow… [ALL laugh heartily] [END SCENE]
SCENE X SETTING: Prince Charming’s quarters. (Lindsay’s room) [CHARMING is modeling and primping in front of his mirror in his room. LINCOLN enters, looking… friendly. He holds his arms behind his back.] CHARMING: Ah, you handsome devil! Don’t you ever die! [Smoothes hair and makes an alluring face] LINCOLN: Let’s hope not! Don’t know what we’d do without you. CHARMING: [Turning around] Ah! Abe! Honest Abe. How honest you are. What brings you to my glorious chambers? LINCOLN: Oh, just admiring the general scene. You do look rather… charming today, Charming! CHARMING: That’s my name! [Laughs] LINCOLN: Yes! [Laughing] … Yes it is. [Looks at camera] CHARMING: [Uncomfortable] Yes, well… Mmm… where are the Chosen Ones, eh? Got back lovely Joan alright? LINCOLN: They’re sleeping. Everyone is. CHARMING: Yes, well… it’s night, isn’t it? LINCOLN: So astute, as always, young Charming! So… observant. CHARMING: [Craning around LINCOLN] What’s that you’ve got behind your back, Abe? Old… Honest Abe? LINCOLN: Oh, just my… hatchet. [Pulls it out from behind his back, casually] I like to keep it on me at all times. Just in case I have to… chop some wood. CHARMING: But all our fireplaces are electric! LINCOLN: Well, I guess I’ll have to chop something else then. [CHARMING takes a step back, slightly unnerved] CHARMING: [Laughs nervously] What else do we chop with hatchets? Heh heh… especially in… my room? LINCOLN: Oh, I’m sure you have something. [Grins evilly, before swinging the hatchet high over his head and bringing it down] [END SCENE]
[END FILM]
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